THE FINN WHO WOULD NOT TAKE A SAUNA

                                                     

THE FINN WHO WOULD NOT TAKE A SAUNA
Garrison Keillor --- Yooper version
In Marquette County, Michigan what they call the Iron Range,
Where men are men and that is that and some things never change,
Where winter stays nine months a year, there is no spring or fall,
And it's so cold the mercury would never be seen at all,
Where you and I, we normal folks, would shiver, shake, and chatter,
And if we used an outhouse, we would grow an extra bladder;
But even when it's coldest, when our feet would have no feeling,
Those Yoopers get dressed up and go out snowmobiling
Out across the frozen land and make a couple stops
At Gino's Lounge and Rudy's Bar for whiskey, beer, and schnapps.
And then they go into a shack that's filled with boiling rocks
That's hot enough to sterilize any Yoopers socks
They sit there till they steam out every sin and every foible
Then they jump into a frozen lake and claim that it's enjoyable
But there was one, a shy young man, and although he was Finnish,
The joys of winter had, for him, long started to diminish.
He was a Finn, the only Finn, who would not take a sauna.
"It isn't that I can't," he said. "I simply do not wanna."
And so he stayed close by a stove for 9 months of the year
Because he was so sensitive to change of temperature.
His friends said, "Come on, Toivo! Let's go out to Sundog Lake!
A Finn who don't take saunas? Why, there must be some mistake."
But Toivo said, "There's no mistake. I know that I would freeze
In water colder than myself 98.6 degrees."
To jump into a frozen lake is not my fondest wish.
For just because I am a Finn don't mean that I'm a fish."
One night he went to Negaunee to attend the Miner's Ball.
If you have not danced in Negaunee, you have not danced at all.
And he met a Ishpeming beauty there who turned his head around.
She was broad of beam and when she danced, she shook the frozen ground.
She took that shy young man in hand and swept him off his feet
She bounced him up and down until he learned the polka beat.
She was strong as any man, she was fair as she was wide.
And when the dance was over, he asked her to be his bride.
She looked him over carefully. She said, "You're kind of thin.
But you must have some courage if it's true you are a Finn.
I ain't particular about men. I am no prima donna.
But I would never marry one who would not take a sauna."
They got into her pickup, and down the road they drove,
And fifteen minutes later, they were stoking up the stove.
She had a flask of whiskey. They took a couple toots
And went into the shack and got into their birthday suits.
She steamed him and she boiled him until his skin turned red;
She poured it on until his brains were boiling in his head.
To improve his circulation and to soften up his hide,
She got a couple birch boughs and beat him till he cried,
Oh, couldn't you just love me now? Oh, don't you think you can?"
She said, "It's time to go outside and show you are a man."
Straightway because he loved her so, he thought his heart would break.
He jumped right up and out the door and ran down to the lake,
And though he paused a moment when he saw the lake was frozen
And tried to think just which snow bank his love had put his clothes in.
When he thought of his sweet darling, He did not have to think twice.
But just picked up his frozen feet and raced across the ice
And coming to the hole that they had cut there with an ax
Putting common sense aside, ignoring all the facts
He leaped! Oh, what a leap! And as he dove beneath the surface,
It thrilled him to his very soul!—and also made him nervous!
And it wasn't just the tingling he felt in every limb
He cried: "My love! I'm finished! I forgot! I cannot swim!"
She fished him out and stood him up and gave him an embrace
That warmed his very heart and made the blood rush to his face.
I love you, darling dear!" she cried. "I love you with all my might!"
And she drove him to Marquette and he married her that night
And they live happily to this day, although they sometimes quarrel.
And there, I guess, this story ends, except for this, the moral:
Marriage, friends, is not a banquet. Love is no free lunch.
You cannot dabble around the edge, but each must take the plunge.
Though marriage, like that frozen lake, may sometimes make us colder,
It has its pleasures, too, as you may find out when you're older.